Marrying was my worst fear

For a lot of people, their wedding day is something of a life goal. They dream about it, read innumerable wedding magazines, and their desires for the perfect wedding may even be borderline utopic. Not me. It was a harrowing prospect–something I had severe anxieties about for the better part of a decade.

It’s a crazy feeling when I look back at the years since 2009–the year my life came crashing down on me. It was, for lack of a better expression, like metamorphosing into an entirely different being, when, all of a sudden, I lost all abilities to be around people without severe anxiety and/or panic. Suddenly it was as if a switch was flipped in my head, and rendered me allergic to social gatherings. I begun spending more and more time in the bathroom, while progressively losing my ability to eat (and keep my food). Despite this, I pushed through my bachelor’s degree and finished it, but that’s another story.

I had already conceded to the fact that I am never finding someone

All the while, an eerie sense of loneliness crept up on me. I begun thinking about the bigger picture and my future. “How will I ever be able to meet somebody, let alone get married?” I could barely stand being in the last row of the lecture hall at university, so how was I going to stand in front of wedding guests on my wedding day? Being in the centre of attention, especially when something is expected of me, is more than just nervousness–it’s an ordeal. I often take days or even weeks to bounce back from such events, not to mention needing weeks or even months in advance to mentally prepare those few minutes or hours.

So why don’t I just stop worrying and be happy? Without going into details right now, you should know that I used to be an orphan, and I grew up in a place where racism and xenophobia was prevalent. These things go deep and far back in time, and whether or not I like it, it is deeply rooted in my being. So deep that at many points during the past decade, I had already conceded to the fact that I am never finding (or marrying) someone to share my life with.

Letting Ilinda gradually into my life has been the most healing experience of my life

Yet, here we are, somehow, by some miraculous series of events. Sure, I am older now, I have done psychotherapy, and I even moved to Brazil and came back to Finland during this time. Still, it’s hard to fathom how I’ve gone from being unable to leave my house to willingly be in the centre of attention for an entire day–my wedding day (even if it was extremely challenging). If that has you shrugging, I am glad for you–you’ve avoided life’s ugly sides (so far). If it has you flabbergasted, I am also glad for you–you’re a warrior who knows about life’s ups and downs.

Social phobia was my closest f(r)iend, for a very long time, but ever since I met my amazing Ilinda, she has helped me re-write bad memories and overwrite traumas I was battling already in primary school. Dating was one heck of a ride, but letting Ilinda gradually into my life has been the most healing experience of my life. I chose not to let others and life take me down without a fight, and I regret nothing.