It’s a subject most expectant mothers and fathers know about, but few seem to acknowledge or talk about (especially the latter). Pregnancy loss can have such a huge impact on your life, and although miscarriages are common (particularly during your first pregnancy), it feels like me and my wife are the only ones out there who have experienced it. So it’s time to talk about it more.
Not long ago, I was content being all by myself, not leaning on anybody and not seeking out happiness to the fullest extent, because I had become accustomed to losses and disappointments. Then my girlfriend (wife since February 2020) entered the stage and turned my life upside-down. About five weeks ago, we found out that there was a pregnancy, and it was definitely one of the most exciting things I have ever experienced. Since I first started dating her over two years ago, I have dared to be sad and happy; I have let my feelings loose and I’ve wanted to ride the emotional waves.
I had literally never in my life felt so hopeful about the future
And in enters a potential baby. I had literally never in my life felt so hopeful about the future. I have always looked at the future as something that will come, whether or not I wanted it. Now I wanted it. I wanted it to be here faster than ever. At the same time, being married to a woman who is a doctor taught me all about the problems that can occur, especially within the first trimester. At the beginning, I used that to try to curb my excitement and to justify being pessimistic. But I was unable to contain myself for very long. A colleague of my wife’s did encourage us to be happy and excited, as a pregnancy loss would be sad and devastating regardless. And so I chose to be optimistic. And I had couvade syndrome–in my case nausea, vomiting, stomach pain, diarrhoea and loss of taste.
I was counting days
This week marked the tenth week in the pregnancy, and in less than two weeks, we would have had our first ultrasound scan. I was counting days until we’d get to see our very own little creation. Of course, that scan will have to be cancelled now, as just yesterday night (May 27, 2020), I brought my wife to the hospital after pains and other symptoms. I wasn’t allowed to go with her, so I only got the news over the phone: it turned out to be a so-called blighted ovum, or a pregnancy without an actual embryo.
Only today have I had time to start understanding the implications and accepting that this pregnancy won’t be happening. And it hit me. It hit me hard. With all the enormous changes over the past two years, I have grown so willing to give up a lot from my old life in favour of something new, that I never stopped to think about what it would be like to go back a bit to some past me. But this is what’s happening. And it’s difficult, because I was already making way for another life. Mentally, I was getting ready to give up sleep, slow mornings, alone time and time for hobbies, and to start diverting my time, energy and money to somebody who was helpless without me and my wife. I was getting ready to be a daddy.
I was getting ready to be a daddy
All of this said, I am so very, very thankful that my wife is okay, and that this is one of the types of pregnancy losses that do not cause life-threatening issues for the mother. I would still always rather lose a pregnancy than to lose my wife. Still, it’s a hard thing for me to deal with, because I have strong emotions towards loss, having lost my biological parents as an infant and never having felt a sense of belonging until I met my wife. But I didn’t lose her, and that makes me keep going. There’ll be a brighter day and hopefully another pregnancy. We will get through this, because I am married to the only woman in the universe who can make me giggle out of joy and cry out of sadness at the same time.
Here’s a song that seems befitting, which I have been rehersing with my choir:
Just praise through your struggles and through your pain
Just praise through the storm, yes through the rain
Beyond every dark cloud, beyond all fear and doubt
There’s a blessing, a promise awaiting in your praise
Finntrovert 