Sometimes, I think that I can be a bit unbearable with my positivity, particularly when I’m contemplating in text like I do here. But, I think it’s worth taking a moment to explain where I’m coming from, because it’s easy to have hope, faith and love when life goes well, but when life rears its ugly head, that’s when you have to have (what I like to think of as) pesky positivity.
The only other alternative throughout my whole life has been my otherwise default state of grief and depression
I realise that there’s a whole notion of “toxic positivity” out there, and that’s not what I’m talking about here. I do think there’s a real argument for being genuine and letting yourself feel the way you feel, when needed. However, part of being human is that we get to make a choice; not so much where we come from, but where we are heading. But that leaves the awkward in-between stage of “now”, when I feel like sh*t right now, and when there doesn’t feel like anything can ever fix this right now stage so I can move on. It’s at this point when it’s worth taking a step back and putting this right now into perspective. More often than not, you’ll find that this stage is an island you’ve stranded on, but this is not where you come from nor where you could be heading. You then have a choice: Being toxicly positive and think “this is fine, at least I have these palm trees to keep me hydrated, and maybe someone will (or won’t) pass by and save me”, or being peskily positive and think “this tree could make for a fine raft, if also I have to gnaw through the tree to cut it down”. For me, personally, I’ve consciously decided the latter will be my de-facto mode, because the only other alternative throughout my whole life has been my otherwise default state of grief and depression.
I have a million reasons to die, but choose to find a million ways to live
Sure, to a certain extent, I have become so accustomed to adverse events in my life that I probably don’t respond to additional ones in an as uncontrolled of a manner as others–who may not be used to this–might. But I’m also not foolish enough to think that being stranded on an island or caught in a burning house is acceptable. People will die, jobs will come and go (both me and my wife unexpectedly lost our jobs in June this year–as if things haven’t been hard enough already), sicknesses and/or disabilities might come your way, and you’ll have setbacks that seem to take you ten steps back, but ultimately, not letting those things slowly eat you up from within is an active choice one has to make every morning. But trust me, it’s easier said than done when there seem to be 1000 things to be unhappy about and maybe only one good thing to be happy about.
I could go on and on, but I think the reason I have been thinking of writing this stuff for a long time is because I have seen people’s reactions to my family’s insane journey the past few years. Like our family counsellor has told us multiple times: Most people deal with one or a limited number of these events at a time, not all at the same time without some time to breathe in between. I think it’s safe to say that without making a conscious decision that I and we will do our best to get through this by being thankful no matter what, I probably would not be alive anymore.
And this is the story I want to tell and be remembered by–that I love my life for all its colourful, contrasting and blinding shades of light and dark; that I am happy I know sadness, hurt, depression and suffering, without which I would never learn about the full value of love; that losses are part of my life, but that I’m stubbornly sticking around to find something better; and that I have a million reasons to die, but choose to find a million ways to live.
Finntrovert 
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