“You should try to be more positive”

It’s come to my attention that there are those who think I’m a very negative person who should try to be more positive. And to that I say: I’m sorry that your limited understanding of me causes you to mistake my guardedness for negativity. So please allow me to explain.

Yes, I admit that I can be guarded. My default is to trust nobody, to be suspicious of anything that may cut open old wounds, and to actively screen every word and every action of those who have not (yet) proven themselves trustworthy (and particularly of those who have already repeatedly proven to be untrustworthy).

As someone whose life started out by being abandoned (orphaned), I’m undeniably and irrevocably going to raise my shield against anyone and anything that seems threatening. I’ll protect my peace at all cost, even if it means cutting people off. Think of it as pruning to make worthwhile relationships stronger.

Don’t get me wrong. This is not to say everybody is my enemy, but most aren’t my close allies either. Becoming my ally takes a lot of understanding (or at least willingness to understand) and acceptance of where I’m coming from. Because, my friendship and relationship with me comes with a lot of bagage that I didn’t choose. While I’ve shed some of it, I’ll never fully be able to get rid of it all.

And I’ve accepted that—that my bagage has shaped my character and made me into the person I am today. While hardships are difficult, they also serve as an iron that sharpens you, and I’ll be the first to tell you I wouldn’t have it any other way. It’s taught me about life, and I’ve grown in ways I wouldn’t otherwise have grown. It’s made me more empathetic, but also brutally honest about what (and who) in life is worth my time and energy.

In fact, I feel lucky (these days) to have had the opportunity to see through the rosy clouds and the ignorance. And so, I’ve learned that by focusing my energy and defend my inner peace, I can share my true, unfettered joy (or positivity) with the people that accept me for who I am, with all the wounds and battlescars that show where I’ve been and fought my way out of. Because, I’m proud of the person I’ve become, and I refuse to dim my light to make others feel comfortable.

So, to those who think I should “try to be more positive”: Know that for some of us, dropping our guard (“being more positive”) is an active choice. It comes with the knowledge and mutual understanding that I’m not like most people around you; that my friendship comes with trauma, but also profound joy that was born out of my fight for survival.

To all others out there: Thank you for being part of my life, and for your willingness to try to understand me, even when my past sometimes obscures my ability to see clearly. Know that I always work hard on becoming better, and that that comes with daily battles with my inner demons telling me I’m not as good as others and that I have no place in this world. I know most of you don’t agree with my demons, and for that I’m grateful.