Beyond all doubt: How orphanhood is shaping my fatherhood

No matter the culture, no matter the language, no matter the child–one universal fact transcends every border and every notion man could ever invent: a child is born to love. There are many things a child can do without, but a sense of belonging isn’t one of them. But I am about to have a chance at changing this for at least one person. That’s right, my wife and I are expecting a baby in April, and that’s kicked off a season of healing for me.

---

I spent my first four years as an orphan, and unfortunately, I remember all too many things from that time. When I ask other non-adoptees if they have memories from that time, most will answer “no”. Most of my impactful memories before the age of ten were etched into my mind well before I was adopted. As somebody who can vividly recall cries for his mother, long nights of despair, and the profound and soul-crushing sense of forlornness, I wish no other child would ever have to experience this. Unfortunately, I am but one man, and I can’t wipe the misery out of this world, but fortunately, I am the man who can take some of that misery out of one child’s world.

And that’s where this becomes so significant for myself, as never having met my parents, not knowing where I come from or even know what they look like, means that I run into a significant number of existential questions on a regular basis. Questioning “am I a human being?” or wondering “did I just pop into existence?”, or “do I belong in this world?”, and “is there a parallel universe I was meant to exist in?” means that up until now, the very concept of life has hung by a fine thread.

It’s making life very real to me

While we still haven’t met our baby, this pregnancy is shaping up to be one of the most significant chapters of my life so far, as it’s making life very real to me. I am witnessing life forming and happening right before my very own eyes. I am experiencing that part of my life that was always obscured behind an unwavering haze of uncertainty about my own beginnings. I’m seeing the possibility that, perhaps, just perhaps, I didn’t just pop into existence. Perhaps, just perhaps, I did have a mother who carried me for nine months. Maybe I do belong in this world.

Now, as you may already know, we recently got a (happy) surprise: Our little boy has been gifted with Down syndrome. Of course that was no easy thing to deal with at first, but ultimately, this only serves to reinforce my commitment towards our little one and his happiness in a world that is always out to get those who are different. Yes, I am going to be an imperfect dad who makes mistakes. I am going to be a daddy who doesn’t always understand my child. But most importantly, I am committed to being the father who would never leave my child doubting whether he was born to be loved.

Broken, but beautiful, and worth giving a chance

Now, I realise that I can’t undo my past and the trauma I carry, but I am also becoming aware that I carry a great deal of power in the things I can change for my child. That, in and of itself, is beginning to redefine many of the struggles I have normalised. No longer do I feel like my beginnings are permeating every thought and every action of every moment of my life. Those memories are losing their death grip on my very being, and I am seeing the world in a new light, where there’s a corner of the world that belongs to me, and a moment in time that I was meant to have. I am beginning to accept that my actions, however small, can have a huge impact on others’ lives. And it’s this newfangled fascination for life that I am adamant in passing on to my child, so that he will always be able to see this world for what it is: broken, but beautiful, and worth giving a chance.

---

This blog post was based on a blog post I wrote for the Finnish adoption association, Adoptioperheet ry / Adoptionsfamiljer rf, where I act as adoption mentor for other adoptees/their families, write articles and blog posts, and participate in webinars.